


Only Let Yourself Feel

by Brumeier



Category: Alice (TV 2009), Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Drug Dealing, Dystopia, Emotionally Repressed, Escape, First Meetings, First Time, Gay Sex, Hiding, M/M, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Recreational Drug Use, SGA Saturday Prompt Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:55:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23075869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brumeier/pseuds/Brumeier
Summary: Bluebell deals in illicit Emotion Teas, because Wonderlanders aren't allowed to feel their own emotions. David is an Oyster, stolen from the other side of the Looking Glass by the White Rabbit organization to be harvested of his emotions. When he escapes and finds his way to Bluebell, the real adventure begins.
Relationships: Evan Lorne/Parrish, Rodney McKay/John Sheppard
Comments: 14
Kudos: 29
Collections: Crossover Coffeeshop





	Only Let Yourself Feel

**Author's Note:**

  * For [squidgiepdx (squidgie)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/squidgie/gifts).



> **Written for:**
> 
> SGA Saturday: drugs  
> Crossover Coffeeshop: Evan Lorne, Alice in Wonderland (any)
> 
> This fic takes place before the events of _Alice_ , with the SGA characters existing alongside the (unseen) canon characters. Like those canon characters, our SGA friends are using codenames. (Bluebell is Evan, Raven is John, and Engineer is Rodney.)

_Once upon a time, young Mary, Queen of Hearts, fell in love with a dashing courtesan named Frederic Devillious, whom she married. Frederic was seemingly devoted to his queen and did anything she asked of him. And then one day the Queen caught him kissing another member of her court. In her anger she called for his execution._

_“Off with his head!”_

_The Queen tried to remain dispassionate as she watched Frederic’s beheading, but she immediately regretted having ordered it. Wracked with grief and guilt and sorrow, the Queen of Hearts declared that all emotions would be banished from that day forward._

_A population can’t survive without emotions, though, and so the development of the Teas began. The Queen wanted only the good feelings – happiness, love, satisfaction – and the Casino was built to harvest those feelings from the Oysters that were brought in from the other side of the Looking Glass._

_Wonderlanders who succumbed to the Teas were addicted to them as surely as any drug and would do anything for a bit of Confidence or Success._

_There was also a market for the darker emotions – rage, lust, grief – and a secretive, underground Tea operation was formed, stealing Oysters from the White Rabbit._

_Very rarely, an Oyster would get away. That is where our story begins._

*o*o*o*

“Look what I found,” Raven said, slinking in unannounced as always.

He sounded pretty pleased with himself. Bluebell set aside his sketchbook and turned in his desk chair, taking in his agent – dressed all in black as usual, his cowlicks especially rakish – and the skinny guy standing next to him, dripping on the fresh grass. Skinny Guy had the Glow on the side of his face: the green, leafy mark of an Oyster captured by the White Rabbit.

“Who’d you steal this one from?” Bluebell asked.

“Found him,” Raven replied with a smirk. “He escaped the White Rabbit all on his own.”

Okay, now Bluebell was more interested. No Oysters ever escaped. He got up and walked around his desk for a closer look.

“He doesn’t look like much,” Bluebell said, walking a circle around the Oyster. He was tall and weedy, thin in the face, pale blue eyes.

“I have a name, you know,” the Oyster protested. “It’s David.”

“It’s so weird when they talk,” Bluebell said to Raven.

Raven shrugged. “You get used to it.”

Normally Bluebell didn’t see the Oysters when they were brought in. His job was to distribute the Teas to a select clientele, all while avoiding notice of the White Rabbit and the Queen herself. It would mean death for all of them if they were caught out. Good thing Bluebell was exceptional at his job.

“You want me to take him downstairs?” Raven asked.

Did he? Bluebell was intrigued by the lucidity in David’s eyes. He was so aware. And he might be useful, if he could be convinced to reveal how he’d escaped the inescapable.

“Leave him.” 

Bluebell went back around his desk and unlocked his private cabinet. Raven was due payment, and Bluebell knew exactly what he wanted. He pulled out a bottle of dark purple Lust.

“Give my regards to Engineer,” he said, handing over the Tea. “Don’t delay him too long.”

Raven saluted him with the bottle and beat a hasty retreat.

The next problem was David being soaked to the bone. Luckily, Bluebell was ready for any eventuality. He poked around in the armoire behind the privacy screen in the corner and found some clothes he thought David might wear. Nothing of his own, since the Oyster was taller.

“You can change behind the screen.”

David took the clothes without comment. Bluebell unabashedly watched the Oyster’s silhouette as he stripped out of his wet clothes, which hit the floor with a soggy _plop_. What must it be like in his world, where emotions were free for anyone to experience? Bluebell suspected it was chaotic. How could it not be, with any old emotion bubbling to the surface?

When David re-appeared, he was wearing brown trousers and a button-up silk shirt in a vibrant shade of blue. 

“Please. Have a seat.” Bluebell gestured to the sofa that was set at the edge of the grass carpet.

“No. I want to know what I’m doing here.”

Eye contact and a set to his jaw, and Bluebell couldn’t help thinking how much Defiance he could have Engineer drain from this Oyster.

“You’re here because the White Rabbit took you from your home.”

“Why? Why would they do that? I don’t even know who they are!”

David’s hands curled into fists, but not before Bluebell saw the way they were shaking. Not defiance, then, but false courage masking fear. That was far less marketable.

“The White Rabbit works for the Queen.”

“What queen? Have I been taken to another country?” David’s already pale face went a shade whiter.

Bluebell wasn’t without compassion. “Please sit.”

David dropped down on the sofa, hands clutching his knees. He must’ve been scared, but he was holding himself together admirably.

“You’ve been taken through the Looking Glass. You’re in Wonderland.”

That earned Bluebell a blank stare for a long moment, and then David started shaking his head.

“Wonderland? As in, _Alice in Wonderland_? That’s fiction. A child’s story.”

Bluebell gestured expansively. “Does this look like a child’s story to you?”

“No. You’re just trying to mess with my head. This is an elaborate set-up, and I don’t know why you’re doing it, but I can promise you people are looking for me.”

“Come over here.” Bluebell went to his back door and waited for David to join him before pulling it open. “People may be looking, but they won’t find you.”

They were in the heart of Wonderland City, which meant the buildings extended both up and down to seeming infinity. There were narrow ledges, like the one outside Bluebell’s door, ladders, and suspended walkways that spanned the gap. Clouds obscured the view upward, and mist obscured the ground far, far below.

It had been home to Bluebell as long as he could remember, and he thought it was beautiful.

David’s eyes went wide, and he grabbed hold of the doorframe as if he might fall without ever stepping foot on the ledge.

“Impossible,” he whispered.

“I’ve done six impossible things before breakfast,” Bluebell said. “In Wonderland, nothing is impossible.”

“Close the door. I don’t want to see anymore.” 

David put his back to the wall and slid down until he was sitting on the floor, knees drawn up. “I don’t understand any of this.”

Bluebell decided not to mention the part about Oysters being systematically drained of their emotions, for the benefit of Wonderlanders who couldn’t feel anything without them, and who would pay whatever it cost to get another fix of Joy or Peace or Comfort.

“You need to tell me how you escaped the White Rabbit,” Bluebell said, squatting down so he was at David’s eye level. “It’s important.”

“They…they sprayed something in my face. It made me dizzy and disoriented.”

“But it didn’t put you to sleep?”

David shook his head. “No. It wore off pretty quickly. They had me in some kind of flying ship, in a tiny cell, but I was able to pick the lock.”

“And fell out,” Bluebell guessed. Probably right over the Lake of Tears, which would account for David having been so wet. He was lucky he hadn’t drowned.

He’d never heard of the Sleep Spray not working on an Oyster. That was how the White Rabbit kept them docile until they got to the Casino and kept them compliant once they were there getting their emotions drained. 

“I need to get home,” David said imploringly. “My sister lives with me, and she’s not capable of taking care of herself. Can you help me?”

Bluebell was taken aback by that. Help an Oyster return to his own world? He’d need to access the Looking Glass or find one of the ancient Rabbit Holes. It wasn’t an impossible task, but Bluebell would be taking one hell of a chance if he tried to pull it off. And his whole operation would be put at risk.

“Please,” David said, leaning forward. “She won’t remember to take her medication. If she doesn’t medicate, she’ll spiral out of control. Something bad will happen.”

Bluebell wasn’t made of stone. And he knew it would be difficult for him to send the Oyster to Engineer now that they’d had an actual conversation. There was only one thing he could do.

“I won’t make any promises,” he said. “Stay here. There’s someone I need to consult.”

There was so much gratitude on David’s face that Bluebell could almost taste it. He beat a hasty retreat and went down to the factory to see Engineer.

*o*o*o*

“You want to what?” Engineer sputtered.

He was looking unusually disheveled, and Raven was sprawled in a chair in the corner of the lab with a smug expression on his face. They’d obviously made good use of the Lust. Bluebell tried not to think how long it had been since he’d experienced the post-coital glow himself.

“It’s just a hypothetical,” Bluebell said.

Engineer and Raven exchanged a look with a lot of eye movement, and Bluebell was certain they’d had a whole conversation without saying any actual words.

“Well, hypothetically speaking, you’d never get access to the Looking Glass. The Suits are on constant patrol, and the techs won’t let anyone through unless they’re accompanied by either a Suit or a member of the White Rabbit. You won’t even get through the door.”

Bluebell nodded. He’d figured as much. The Looking Glass was under the Queen’s control, and carefully guarded. Even if he could somehow get his hands on the Stone of Wonderland, which the Glass needed to function, it was entirely too risky.

“Nothing’s impossible,” he said. “So what about the other way?”

“Rabbit holes? The Queen thinks they’ve all been filled in or lost to time.”

“But that’s not the case, is it?”

“No. Hypothetically speaking, there’s one that’s still active.”

Engineer was trying to look cagey, but Bluebell had known him too long. He knew where to find that rabbit hole. And maybe the rumors Bluebell had heard over the years were true, that some Wonderlanders were defecting to the Oyster world to get out from under the Queen’s thumb, to get away from the Tea addiction.

How could anyone leave Wonderland?

“Enough with the hypotheticals,” Bluebell said. “Can we get the Oyster there safely and send him home?”

“Since when do you care about the Oysters?” Raven asked, eyes hooded. 

“This one is…different.”

As an explanation, it was weaker than tea made with a thrice-used bag. But Bluebell couldn’t really say why David’s plight had affected him. He was going on gut instinct. David had shaken off the Sleep Spray, had escaped from a Scarab. He’d done things no other Oyster had ever done. He was unique. And Bluebell had an appreciation for unique and beautiful things.

“There’s a community,” Raven said. “On the other side. For people like us who want a different life.”

That provoked another silent conversation. _People like us_ , Raven said. Were he and Engineer thinking of defecting? That would be the end of Bluebell’s whole operation. There wasn’t anyone else in the whole of Wonderland, aside from Carpenter who was smart enough to maintain and operate the system that drained the Oysters. And the Queen would never let him slip away.

“Should I be worried?”

“No,” Engineer said with a scowl. “Because I won’t leave without Raven, and he won’t leave without you. And you’re too short-sighted to see everything we could gain over there.”

“What could possibly be gained by losing the City?” Bluebell couldn’t imagine anything in the Oyster world being as wonderful.

“Our real names, for one,” Raven said softly.

That caught Bluebell up short. Under the Queen’s rule it was much safer to be known by a moniker. Bluebell was an underground Tea dealer, a man without a family. At least not a family that could be traced and used as leverage by the Queen.

As long as he’d known both Raven and Engineer, Bluebell knew very little about either of them from the time before they’d met. Raven’s moniker indicated he either once was part of the Resistance – they favored bird names – or was still working for them in some capacity. Neither Raven nor Engineer had ever offered up their real names.

Bluebell didn’t dare even think of his own real name.

“It would be a chance to do something better,” Engineer added. “Instead of taking things away from the Oysters, I could put something valuable into the world. My intellect is being wasted here.”

He didn’t know what he’d done to earn Raven’s loyalty, but Bluebell couldn’t bring himself to give him what he wanted. 

“I just want to send the Oyster home,” he said.

Engineer nodded, his expression giving nothing away. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“I appreciate that.”

Bluebell took his leave, only to be stopped out in the hall by Engineer.

“You’ll be thinking about it now,” he said. “What life might be like on the other side of the Glass. You’re not a moron, Bluebell. You’ll see the benefits.”

“And if I don’t?”

“If you don’t, you should know this whole thing is going to come to an end eventually.” Engineer gestured vaguely. “Sooner or later, Wonderlanders will learn what I already know.”

“Which is?” Bluebell asked.

“We don’t need the Teas. Not anymore. Our emotions are still inside us. We just need to dig deep enough to find them.”

Engineer turned on his heel and went back to his lab, leaving Bluebell standing there with his mouth hanging open.

*o*o*o*

“Hey,” David said when Bluebell returned to his office.

The Oyster was sprawled out on the sofa, looking far more languid and relaxed than he had when Bluebell left.

“Are you okay?”

“Hmm. Better now.” David pushed himself off the sofa and ambled across the fresh grass to where Bluebell was standing, slowly unbuttoning his shirt at the same time.

Something was definitely awry, and Bluebell tried to see if David had somehow gotten into his stash of Tea. Instead, he saw an empty bottle on the edge of his desk, glass stopper beside it. A tag tied around the bottle said _Drink Me_.

“Where did that bottle come from?” Bluebell asked David, whose shirt was now hanging open to show his bare chest.

“Don’t know. Is it important?”

David crowded Bluebell up against the door, suddenly more sinuous than weedy as he rolled his hips suggestively. Those pale blue eyes had the familiar glassy look of someone high on Tea. Bluebell’s own traitorous body couldn’t help but respond. He put his hand on David’s chest, trying to put some space between them.

“Do you know what you drank?”

“Liquid courage,” David said, gazing intently at Bluebell’s mouth. “I’ve never met anyone as sexy as you.”

“David, you’re under the influence of Tea. You don’t know what you’re doing.”

Bluebell couldn’t be sure what the effects of an Oyster Tea would be on another Oyster. It seemed cannibalistic.

“I’ve never been surer of myself,” David replied, and then he pressed forward, kissing Bluebell.

David’s mouth was soft and pliant, and Bluebell had a moment of weakness. It had been a long time since he’d had that kind of physical connection with anyone, male or female, and he reveled in it. Instead of pushing David away, Bluebell splayed his fingers across that warm, hairless chest as if trying to absorb the Oyster’s essence. 

Bluebell was only able to shake himself out of his haze of lust when he felt David’s hands on his belt, his fingers dipping below the waistband of Bluebell’s trousers. 

“Stop. David, we can’t do this.”

David stopped trying to unbuckle the belt, but his fingers continued to sweep back and forth, deep enough to detect that Bluebell wasn’t wearing anything under his trousers.

“You want me.”

“Not like this. Not with Tea.”

Nothing was real with the Tea. Stolen emotions from stolen Oysters, and Bluebell had vowed never to succumb to that again. 

David trembled against him, and it took Bluebell a moment too long to realize that it wasn’t the continued lust at work.

“David?”

The Oyster shook, his eyes rolling back in his head, and Bluebell caught him before he collapsed to the floor. The tremors stopped as quickly as they started, but David was out cold.

Bluebell let out a shaky breath. It was turning into one heck of a day.

*o*o*o*

_Tally looked just as she had when Bluebell last saw her, hair in dark brown pigtails and wearing her blue dress with all the ruffles on it. Six years old and missing a front tooth. She was walking along the edge of the ledge, arms outstretched as if she were on a tightrope. Wonderlanders, like baby mountain goats, were skilled at not falling to their deaths._

_Not accidentally, at least._

_Bluebell watched her, feeling out of place in his eight-year-old body. He knew that wasn’t really his sister, just a detailed copy pulled from his own mind._

_“Why did you do it?” he asked._

_Tally didn’t look up, watching her feet as she carefully moved them one in front of the other._

_“It needed to be done.”_

_“I don’t appreciate your interference.”_

_This time Tally did look up, her eyes flashing an unearthly blue. “You would rather I put the right word in the wrong ear, brother? Your head is better served attached to your shoulders.”_

_It was disconcerting to hear those words in Tally’s voice. The threat was unmistakable, though, no matter how it was delivered._

_“This has nothing to do with you,” Bluebell said._

_“If it didn’t, then it wouldn’t. But it does, so here we are.”_

_Bluebell was getting frustrated. Trying to have a conversation with Cheshire was always an exercise in patience, but he already had enough on his mind. He didn’t need to decipher riddles as well._

_“Did you send the Oyster?”_

_“Merely taking advantage of an advantageous situation.”_

_Tally stepped away from the edge and twirled, her ruffled dress fanning out. On the last twirl, her form changed. Bluebell was now faced with a creature that was partially feline and partially man, elvish face topped with twitching cat ears, one pierced with several golden hoops, and a long, striped gray tail snaking out from a pair of very tight leather pants._

_Bluebell had changed, too, his eight-year-old self now sixteen._

_“You used to draw me like this, remember?” Cheshire assumed a seductive pose. “No need for Lust or Desire then. Your own was sufficient.”_

_“Just a fantasy,” Bluebell said. But none of his drawings had ever looked so real or had exuded so much sexual energy._

_“Your fantasies were once plentiful. What images trickle out of your pencil now? What dreams do you try to make real?”_

_Bluebell flushed. He’d turned to landscapes, City vistas, in place of people and fantasies that had no chance of coming true. He’d learned to keep his expectations low, the same way he had to hide who he was and what he did. Like his real name, Bluebell’s dreams were part of the past._

_“The magic here is almost spent,” Cheshire said. “It would take another Alice to unspill the milk.”_

_The realization hit Bluebell like a fist. “You want me to leave.”_

_“I want you to stop painting dreadfully dull Cityscapes.” Cheshire dropped down on all fours and stalked closer to Bluebell, muscles flexing beneath a fine layer of gray fur. “You can bring back a different kind of magic.”_

_Bluebell found himself pressed back against cool white brick, his heart pounding in his chest. The Spirit of Wonderland wanted him to leave his home. For what? A quest to reclaim long-dead dreams? To bring back enough magic to dethrone a Queen? It was insanity._

_Cheshire leapt to his feet and neatly pinned Bluebell between his arms. He sniffed at Bluebell’s neck before licking him, just once, with the tip of his tongue._

_“The choice is yours, unless it isn’t, but you’ll never know till you make it.”_

_“What if it’s wrong?” Bluebell couldn’t help asking._

_“There is no right or wrong. Just yes or no. Up or down. Here or there. Top.” Cheshire leaned in, licking his lips. “Or bottom.”_

_His mouth opened impossibly wide, showing off the grin he’d become known for, and Bluebell was lost._

*o*o*o*

Bluebell woke with a gasp, neck stiff but not as stiff as other parts of his anatomy. He’d be tempted to write it all off as a bizarre dream, but the Cheshire, by legend and in Bluebell’s own teenage experience, moved in and out of dreams at will to deliver his messages.

“You okay?” David asked in hushed tones from Bluebell’s bed. 

He seemed to have slept off the effects of the Tea, judging by the clear eyes and the way he was holding the blanket up to his chin.

“Just a dream,” Bluebell lied. He’d intended on keeping watch, sitting up in the chair in the corner of the bedroom, but when the Cheshire wanted a word he had no trouble pulling a person under. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yes. About before…”

Bluebell held up his hand, forestalling whatever awkward apology David, already blushing, was about to make.

“It was a reaction to the Tea. You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

“Oh. Thank you.” David shifted on the bed, the blanket dropping to show one bare shoulder. “I don’t even know your name.”

“I’m called Bluebell.”

“Like the flower? _Hyacinthoides non-scripta_. Did you know that the bluebell is associated with everlasting love and constancy? Even though it’s poisonous.” David’s already flushed face turned a deeper shade of red. “I’m a botanist.”

“A what?”

“A botanist. I’m an expert in flowers and plants.”

Bluebell could almost hear Cheshire chuckling in his ear. His whole life was getting turned upside down by an Oyster who specialized in flowers. But Bluebell wasn’t a man who shirked what needed to be done, and at the moment that was information gathering.

“What’s it like? The world on the other side of the Looking Glass?”

David seemed to give the question a lot of consideration before replying, and Bluebell was grateful that he was taking his time and not just give a knee-jerk ‘my home is better’ response. Which he himself might have done, had their positions been reversed.

“Some of it is pretty bad. There’s a lot of conflict and war, and people still fighting for equal rights. But some of it is amazing.” David settled back against the iron headboard, the blanket puddling into his lap. “Before Debbie got sick, I was able to travel to different countries. It’s really beautiful out there, and there’s so much diversity in plants and animals, cultures…I could travel around for the rest of my life and not see it all.”

Bluebell tried to imagine a world so big that it couldn’t be explored in a lifetime. Wonderland seemed tiny by comparison, a world in miniature made up of the City, the Casino, the Forest of Wabe, the Tulgey Wood, and the little pocket communities that existed between each.

For Bluebell, for a long time now, his whole world had been his little corner of Wonderland City. A self-imposed cell of his own making, one he hadn’t even realized he was in.

Suddenly it felt like the walls of his room were closing in on him, choking him. For the first time, he could feel the weight of his beloved City pressing down on him, crushing him.

“You don’t look so good,” David said.

“I don’t feel so good,” Bluebell replied honestly. 

He pushed up out of the chair and rushed down the hidden passage back to his office, and the locked cabinet of Tea. He pushed the bottles around, glass clinking, until he found the bottle he wanted: Comfortably Numb.

One swallow of the pale pink Tea and he could muffle that epiphany. A few more, and maybe he could forget it permanently.

Bluebell unscrewed the cap and put the bottle to his lips, but then David’s hand was there, gently resting on top of Bluebell’s and keeping him from drinking.

“Whatever’s wrong, this isn’t the answer.”

“You don’t know anything about me,” Bluebell challenged. He really, really wanted that Tea. Wanted it more than any other Tea he’d ever had.

“I know you could’ve turned me in. Or sent me away. And instead you’re trying to help me.”

“I’m not the good guy here.”

“You’re not the bad guy either.” David pushed the bottle down, and leaned in, his lips ghosting over Bluebell’s. “This time you don’t have to do the honorable thing.”

There was more than one way to forget.

Bluebell had the presence of mind to set the bottle of Comfortably Numb on the desk, and then he wrapped himself around David, kissing him hard and insistently. His hands moved over the bare skin of David’s back before moving down to map out his ass through the brown trousers.

He wasn’t aware they were moving until he found himself on his back on the fresh grass carpet, David tugging his shirt up over his head. For such a thin guy, he was surprisingly strong.

The grass was soft and cool against Bluebell’s skin.

“I don’t do this kind of thing,” David panted. He sucked on Bluebell’s neck hard enough to leave a mark, and just thinking of that made Bluebell that much harder. “I’ve never…never met anyone…like you.”

Bluebell rolled them so he was straddling David. He sucked David’s neck, and along his collarbone, thumbs rubbing over David’s stiff nipples. The Oyster was so responsive to Bluebell’s every touch, arching up and moaning and gripping Bluebell’s hips as he tried to grind up into him.

There were so many emotions, all of them practically bleeding out of David’s skin. Or maybe out of Bluebell’s, everything was so heightened he couldn’t really tell. It had been so long since Bluebell had been with someone. He wasn’t going to last much longer.

He fumbled with David’s trousers, growling with frustration when he couldn’t get the zipper to work.

“I got it. I got it.” David worked the zipper down and shoved the trousers to his thighs. 

His cock was long and narrow, just like the rest of him, and Bluebell wrapped his hand around it, reveling in the silky firmness. He imagined how that would feel inside him and mourned the realization that they didn’t have the time because he was already on the edge. He stroked David, rubbing his thumb over the head, and David thrust up into his hand, moaning encouragement.

With his other hand, Bluebell freed his own cock, stroking himself as he stroked David, and it seemed like only seconds before his balls drew up and an orgasm rocketed through him like a lightning bolt, setting all his nerve endings on fire.

When David started to come, Bluebell leaned over and kissed him, swallowing his gasps. He felt satisfied, grateful, affectionate. He wanted to go again, but slower, taking David apart piece by piece. He wanted to bury himself inside David, join with him in a primal, animalistic way. He wanted to lay next to David in the grass and revel in the post-orgasmic glow.

The glow was the best he could manage at the moment, so Bluebell flopped down on the grass next to David, his mind a pleasant buzz of white noise.

“That was intense,” David said softly. He turned his head to look at Bluebell. “Sex is the best drug out there.”

Bluebell huffed out a laugh and traced the leafy Glow on David’s face with one finger. For the first time in a long time he wanted to get his sketchpad and draw something other than the ledges of the City.

“Better than anything we can bottle,” he agreed.

*o*o*o*

“I find it disturbing that you’re so good at this,” Engineer said, studying Raven’s makeup job with a critical eye.

“My mother was a dancer,” Raven said, all his focus on David’s face and the Glow he was covering up. “I spent a lot of time backstage with the other women.”

Neither Engineer nor Bluebell asked any follow-up questions; Raven’s past was his own, and he’d offer up as much or as little of it as he wanted.

“I’m not going to look like a Geisha, am I?” David asked nervously.

“What’s a Geisha?” Engineer asked.

“Oh. Uh, Geishas are a type of female performer in Japan. They paint their faces all white, and then highlight their lips and eyes with bright colors.”

“You look fine,” Raven assured him.

“Is it enough?” Bluebell asked. “I can still see a bit of the Glow showing through.”

“It just needs to hold up to a quick glance,” Raven said.

“Anyone who’s looking will be distracted by that ridiculous shirt you put him in.” Engineer’s mouth, which had a natural downturn on one side, twisted even more.

“That’s the point,” Bluebell pointed out.

The shirt in question was orange and green, in searing shades of both, with white teapots floating here and there across it. The shirt would distract from David’s face and the tell-tale Glow that marked him as an Oyster. But if they got detained and someone took the time for a closer look, they were screwed.

Raven started packing up his makeup tins. (Bluebell was dying to know why he had them.) “Best I can do.”

David got out of the chair so he could stand closer to the mirror. “That’s amazing!”

“It’ll do,” Engineer said. “Wait. Are you packing the makeup?”

Raven looked up, duffel bag in his hands. “Yes?”

“When are we possibly going to need that again? What else do you have in here?”

Engineer started digging through the bag, ignoring Raven’s protests, and pulled out several bottles of Lust and Desire. “No. We’re not taking these.”

“But we need them!” Raven tried to grab the bottles, but Engineer made a point of dropping them one by one on the concrete floor, where they shattered. “Hey!”

“We don’t need them,” Engineer said. He put his hand on the side of Raven’s face. “We haven’t needed them for a long time.”

“But –”

Engineer leaned in close and whispered something in Raven’s ear that had the other man flushing and looking surprised. And pleased. 

“Yeah. Okay.” Raven gave Engineer a quick kiss and finished packing his bag, not giving the broken bottles another glance.

Bluebell had his own bag packed and ready to go, full of sketch books and art supplies. It was strictly backup, because he didn’t know what he was going to do. He didn’t know if he could leave Wonderland behind for some unknown world that, by David’s own admission, was rife with war.

On the other hand, there were Geishas and who knew how many other new and strange things Bluebell had never heard of?

“Keep to the wall,” Bluebell instructed once they were out on the ledge.

“Don’t worry about me,” David replied. “I walked the trail at El Caminito del Rey in Spain.”

Bluebell had no idea what that meant, but he was glad to see that David wasn’t afraid being out on the ledge.

“With me,” Engineer said, taking the lead.

They were going to meet his contact, Turtle, who had secured passage through the only working rabbit hole in Wonderland. Getting there would involve traversing several ledges, climbing down a few ladders, and making use of some intricate internal shortcuts that Engineer claimed to know, all without attracting any unwanted attention from the White Rabbit or the Suits.

Bluebell didn’t dare feel optimistic.

“It should take us exactly one hour and ten minutes to get Downside,” Engineer said. 

“Pretty specific,” Raven replied.

“I’ve done some dry runs. This is the quickest route, and the one least likely to draw attention. You’re welcome.”

Raven nodded. “Thorough.”

He didn’t sound surprised, but Bluebell was. Engineer had said he was ready to leave Wonderland, that Raven waiting on Bluebell was the only thing holding him back, but to do actual dry runs of exit strategies? Engineer was serious about leaving. Really serious. Which meant that even if Bluebell stayed behind, he’d be starting over.

“This place is amazing,” David said as they cut through an empty building. He stopped to examine some flowers that were growing through the floor. “This is clearly an offshoot of _rosa centifolia_ , one I’ve never seen before. It’s beautiful. It smells like…raspberries. How does it thrive here out of the daylight?”

“What’s with the Oyster?” Engineer asked.

“He’s a botanist.” Bluebell watched David carefully touch the big pink blooms on the flowers and had an uneasy feeling in his gut. “He knows everything about flowers.”

“That’s a useless skill. And we’re losing time. Let’s go, botanist.” Engineer snapped his fingers and headed back down the shadowed hall.

David gave the flowers one last look before getting back on track. “Where are all the people? This city is so big, but I’ve only seen you three.”

Wonderland City had been sparsely populated for as long as Bluebell could remember. There were Tea Shops, of course. And other businesses, including the scavengers that pilfered the bodies that fell from the ledges. There were roving bands of orphans – pickpockets and thieves mostly – and stalwart residents that refused to leave their homes.

“Conscription,” Raven said over his shoulder. “For the Palace and the Casino.”

“Refugees,” Engineer said. “Some left, others are probably hiding out in Tulgey Wood. No-one goes there anymore, not even the Queen’s men.”

“Dead,” Bluebell said. “During the war, and after. Beheadings. Suicides.”

His own father had taken a purposeful step off a ledge when Bluebell was just a baby. One moment that would forever haunt him and his family.

“I’m sorry,” David said. He reached out and gave Bluebell’s hand a squeeze, and Bluebell had the funny feeling again.

The inside spaces they traveled through were in various stages of decay. Some were still very solid, but others had peeling paint, peeling wallpaper, and ceilings that were more plant roots than building material. Some hallways had water leaking out of the walls and over the floors, and light fixtures hanging.

Unfortunately, some of that leaking water dripped down on David, washing away part of the makeup covering his Glow.

“No time for a touch-up,” Engineer said. “We have a –”

“Hey! You down there!”

Everyone stopped, freezing in place, and then Bluebell moved in front of David. At the other end of the water-logged hallway was a Suit, one of the Queen’s men, marked as such by his distinctive black suit printed with spades and his number: 7.

“Where are you going?”

“Just taking a walk,” Engineer said.

“Have you seen anyone around the City who doesn’t belong?”

The Suit came closer and Raven joined Bluebell in making a wall in front of David.

“Could you be more specific?” Engineer asked.

Bluebell knew the Suit couldn’t admit that he was looking for a rogue Oyster, because that would be admitting fallibility. And the system could never be seen as having any weaknesses.

“Who are you hiding back there?” The Suit’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. 

“Oh, crap,” David whispered. Bluebell felt him shift and move. “More behind us.”

“They have the Oyster!” the unseen Suit shouted.

Raven was already on the run, heading for the Suit that was blocking the way they needed to go. Bluebell reached behind and grabbed hold of David’s arm. 

“Let’s go!”

They charged the first Suit, and Bluebell didn’t even bother looking around to see how many were following. Engineer knocked the Suit aside with his broad shoulders, and Raven quickly followed up, using his fists to subdue the Suit. It looked like Raven was going to stay behind to fight the others, but as Bluebell and David ran past him, David grabbed hold of Raven’s shirt and tugged him along with them.

“Into the elevator!” Engineer bellowed.

Bluebell could see it up ahead, a gaping hole in the wall. With the state of the building they were in, under any other circumstances he’d never set foot in that thing. But if Engineer said they had to use it, then they had to use it.

A Suit caught up with Raven, so Bluebell shoved David into the elevator with Engineer and spun around to help.

“Raven! Get your skinny ass in this elevator!”

There were two additional Suits, and Bluebell helped Raven toss one into the other, knocking both off their feet and buying enough time to get in the elevator. As soon as they were in, Engineer slapped his hand on the button and the whole car dropped out from under them.

“Hold on!” Engineer shouted as they rocketed down, going so fast that Bluebell swore he was floating just above the floor. “It’s an express!”

David had a death grip on the handrail, his eyes squeezed shut. Engineer had his eyes closed, too, and his mouth was really twisted down on the one side. But Raven had a huge grin on his face.

“This is awesome!”

“You’re insane!” Engineer shouted back at him without opening his eyes.

Bluebell just hoped they’d make it to the final stop in one piece. And that no Suits would be waiting for them once they got there.

*o*o*o*

Downside was eerily empty in a way the higher levels of the city weren’t. Everything was made of stone and heavy wooden timbers, and a thick mist concealed everything above the fourth story, casting the streets in a hazy dusk. Bluebell had never been down that far, and the lack of a ledge was new and strange; there was no fear of falling.

The elevator had been disabled by Engineer once they touched down. If the Suits were trying to follow, they’d have to take the long way. Whatever happened, Bluebell wasn’t letting them get their hands on David again. He couldn’t imagine the man being placed on the Game Room floor and drained of everything that made him vibrant and unique.

While they walked, Engineer scanned the old building signs, most of them so old and faded they were nearly illegible.

“Do you think anyone still lives down here?” Raven asked, his voice hushed.

“Zombies,” Engineer replied darkly. Bluebell didn’t find that at all funny.

The cobblestone streets were uneven, whole sections totally given over to wildflowers and clinging vines and trees. David stopped periodically to look at a particular flower or pluck a piece of greenery, eyes wide with wonder and the joy of discovery. Bluebell liked that look on him. He liked it a lot.

“Here it is.” Engineer led them into a place called Gone Tomorrow.

There was no indication from the barren interior as to what type of establishment it used to be. Bar? Restaurant? Downside pre-dated the production of the Teas, and the rule of the Queen of Hearts, so it had never been a Tea Shop.

“How reliable is your source?” Raven asked, scanning the room.

“Reliable enough.” 

All eyes turned to the woman standing by a door at the rear of the room. She was short and stocky, and her spiky brown hair had streaks of blue and pink in it. Turtle, Bluebell presumed.

“We had a run-in with some Suits,” Engineer told her. “So we might want to move this along.”

“We’re safe down here. Did you bring it?”

Engineer pulled something small out of his pocket and handed it over to her. Bluebell couldn’t make out what it was, but it was clearly valuable enough to pay for their passage.

“This way,” Turtle said.

They followed her through the rear door, and it wasn’t until they were right in front of it that Bluebell saw a faded image of a rabbit in the center of it. Behind the door was a hallway, and then a rickety wooden staircase going down, the path lined with flickering wall-mounted lights. Another door, this one with a complex-looking lock that took Turtle a full minute to open.

Behind that final door was a room that was filled side to side and floor to ceiling by the roots of a single tree. Bluebell couldn’t tell if the trunk of the massive tree went up into the building, or if it was just a stump, because all he could see was the thick, twisted roots.

“Wow,” David said. “This is unbelievable.”

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” Bluebell agreed. 

He was overwhelmed by the sheer scale of the tree, and by the magic he could feel in the air, kind of like the ozone that came ahead of a thunderstorm. He wondered if David could feel it too.

“Dog will be waiting on the other side,” Turtle said. “He’ll have papers for the three of you, and he’ll make sure the Oyster gets home.”

“What about this?” David asked, gesturing to his face. Even more of the Glow was showing now.

“You’ll always have it. But in your world it will go unseen.”

It was strange for Bluebell to think of David without the delicate green swirls on his face. He tried to commit it to memory so he could draw it when the chance arose.

Engineer, who’d been nothing but sure-footed the entire journey, suddenly looked nervous. He took Raven’s hand.

“We’re really doing this, right? You and me?”

“You and me,” Raven agreed.

He may have thought he still needed the Teas, but Bluebell could see the love shining out of his eyes. It made him want the same thing for himself.

“Bluebell?” Raven asked. “You with us?”

There was panic, now that the moment was on him. _Was_ he with them? Could he turn his back on Wonderland, the only home he’d ever known, and the life he’d built there?

“Please come,” David said softly. “I can show you some amazing things.”

 _You can bring back a different kind of magic_ , Cheshire had said. Maybe the future of Wonderland could be found on the other side of the Looking Glass. And maybe Bluebell’s future could be found with one wayward Oyster.

“I’m with you,” he said.

“Down the rabbit hole,” Turtle said, gesturing to a particularly shadowy space between the tree roots. “Just let yourself fall and you’ll get to the other side.”

“Thank you,” Engineer said.

“Good luck.”

Raven and Engineer had to get on their hands and knees and crawl under and between the roots to reach the rabbit hole. They shared one last look before tipping themselves into the hole and disappearing from view.

It was Bluebell’s and David’s turn next. There was nothing to see looking down into the hole, just a dark maw.

A leap of faith.

“Thank you, Bluebell. For helping me.”

Bluebell leaned over and gave David a quick kiss. He didn’t know what was waiting for him on the other side of that rabbit hole, but he was determined to make the most of it.

“You can call me Evan.”

**Author's Note:**

>  **AN:** The very last Crossover Coffeeshop prompts included two that I'd suggested - Evan Lorne and Alice in Wonderland. I wasn't sure how I was going to bring those two together until months later, when the SGA Saturday prompt came up. Because in this version of Wonderland, the Emotions Teas are the drug that some of the Wonderlanders are addicted to. I didn't want to do a straight-up fusion, so this became a crossover instead. And in honor of Squidgie, who runs the SGA Saturday comm, it had to be Porne. ::grins::
> 
> Title from a quote by P.D. James: “Feel, he told himself, feel, feel, feel. Even if what you feel is pain, only let yourself feel.”


End file.
